Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She even gives head with a lisp.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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