He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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