Need sex. Gaining weight.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize