i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize