Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
