Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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