I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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