my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Randomize
