My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
