I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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