Sponge bath it is.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
