ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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