you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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