i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
