i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
