He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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