I can text with my tongue
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Vodka?
Forever.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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