i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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