Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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