I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
he had hair everywhere except his balls
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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