I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
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