I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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