So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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