Betty ford says i'm here all night
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She needs sedatives and a leash
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
