Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
