I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
