Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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