I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
