my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
