I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
