i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
