yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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