Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
