you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
