somebody snuck up and got me drunk
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
