I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
