True but thats because hes a fetus.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize