i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
