There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
