He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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