I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
