I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
