My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize