he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
