you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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