I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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