I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
