I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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