So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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