just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
