Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
