Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My vagina just recognized that song.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
