Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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