There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
We had to coat check the pizza.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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