I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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