Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
