My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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