I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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