I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I have aggressive nipples.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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