I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
