hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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